Mile in my shoes?

Is that even possible? Probably not. But lets give it a go anyway.

Imagine your mother, everything that's great about her. The way she helps you with everything, you need help she's there. Someone to talk to she's there. All the things that make your mother so great.

Now imagine your life without your mom? Can you? Who would you call when you need someone to talk to? When you need someone to help you with bills? When you need a best friend? When you have another child and need help? Who's is suppose to help you? The answer is your mom right? But if you're anything like me, which most of you aren't. You don't have that luxury. No mom daughter relationship, nothing! Now  you might be asking, what about your dad? Well ya nothing there either. Someone got the short end of the stick.

No one truly understands what its like for me, to see all these people who have these wonderful mother/father daughter relationships. I see what others don't see. How those people take advantage of what they have. As I've said before my mother has issues, mental issues. But never once have I had that bond with her. I was always suppose to be the one in charge, to help her when she needed it. I've seen things that a normal teenager shouldn't see. From what I remember anyway its pretty bad, repressed memories can somewhat be a good thing. But at the same time I'd love to know why I am the way I am.

What if I find something out that I really didn't want to know. My mind obviously blocked it out for a reason, right? So small part of me wants it stay blocked but a bigger part of me wants to know it all. Out of all my memories I have, I have more negative ones than positive ones. I remember going to my grandparents every weekend. I remember a few memories of my brother, that's about it. The others are shadowed in the abuse I've seen, the things I've witnessed and the ways I've went to protect my sisters.

No 4-6yr old should have to shield their siblings that way I had too. No child should have to grow up faster than they should because mommy and daddy weren't responsible. Scooping them up quickly so they didn't witness the fighting, that shouldn't happen. EVER. We aren't talking about yelling match even though that was apart of it too, I'm talking physical fighting too.

No 7-8yr should have to witness their parent getting arrested and getting caught selling weed. No 12-13yr old should have to call the 911 on their mom cause she slit her wrists right in front of you. All while making sure her sisters didn't see it while this was happening.

Its not right, none of it is. If knew then what I know now I would've gotten us out of there so fast. But I didn't and I ask myself so many times why didn't someone step in and take us away. Apart of me knows that answer they didn't want to separate us from each other.

I'm never asking for pity but an 'omg I had no idea' would be nice to hear when I spill my damn heart out. Maybe acknowledgement would be a little nice too, not just an oh ya, really? If you compare some of this to yourself, what do you get? Probably nothing close to this. So yes acknowledgement would be very nice.

When life gives you lemons

you make lemonade. At least thats how some of us remember this old saying. 

Life gets us down, it pushes us off our path. It happens. But we all must remember that everything in this life happens for a reason, everything! That being said we must all remember where we come from. How we were raised. We all came from different backgrounds, all raised different. We are molded the way we are partly from the things we've gone through growing up, the bumps life has given us.

When life gets you down, try to remember the happiest moment in your life. Embrace is. Try to engage every moment you felt then. Replay it, if you must. No matter how many times you do. This will always be the day that will get you through the tough times.

When you need to remember how strong you are. Remind yourself of all the things you've accomplished. Deployments, child birth it could be anything that was once so hard to you.

Now look back at everything you've done and be proud for what YOU'VE done. With that in mind, always remind yourself you can get through anything! I mean anything with a little strength.

Active Duty vs Reserves/Guard

I'm gonna try to break it down for you, I really am. Its so hard to compare the two, some think that they shouldn't be compared; while others think the opposite. As a reservist wife I can only say so much since we've never been full time active duty except when he activated.

Reserves/Guard

Call to duty; they have 2 months to become prepared for deployment. Two whole months to be combat ready. Two possibly three months, just three. Our transition to civilian and military is stressful. Once they get the call to duty, its full time military life. There is not much of a transition. They pay might be significantly different for either one, stresses in the relationships, children etc. Changes can be stressful. By law their civilian job has to give them leave and return them to the same position when they come home.

Support is something we don't get much of. Yes, we all have our families but they dont understand, friends don't quite understand. We all know how it goes, they try to understand but its never the same. Compared to another wife, another mother of a soldier and possibly a girlfriend etc. We dont live on base, sometimes we live far from a base that offers that support.

Homecomings. After a year of our men being in a combat zone, they come home to civilian life. No base, not a lot of help within reach. Leave is shorter sometimes for 'us', they much return back to their jobs with I think, don't quote me 60days? I could be wrong.

Active duty

Preparing for combat every day 365 7 days a week. As my husband says it getting yelled at everyday. Support is everywhere. The right people whom understand you. On base for childcare, FRG, etc. Basically almost the opposite of Reserves/Guard.

I'm not trying to start a debate cause thats not in my nature. But its both different. Our stresses are different. Deployment is the same regardless of branch it all hurts, all stressful, marriages sometimes don't make it. I just wish Reserves got more credit than they do.

That is all. Thanks for reading :)

Fighting Fairly

Ways to keep arguments with your partner from getting out of control.

Differences of opinion are a natural part of living with another person. Even if you and your partner have a very strong and loving relationship, you won't agree on every issue and may sometimes have major blowups. What's important is how you resolve these conflicts. Knowing how to fight fairly -- or to resolve your differences in a respectful way -- is vital to the success of most relationships. Whether you disagree over one or two big issues or a lot of smaller ones, it's important to try to avoid saying things that could hurt somebody you love.

Tips on fighting fairly

Fighting fairly involves paying attention to several different things at once: your words, your tone of voice, your body language, and your instincts about someone else's mood and whether it's a good time to argue. Here are some tips:

■Be truthful but kind. Choose words that express your concerns directly and honestly but that won't leave lasting wounds. Remember that being kind includes listening carefully to your partner and making an effort not to interrupt.

■Watch your tone of voice. Try to keep your tone calm and to speak as respectfully as you can. A loud or shrill voice can inflame an argument even if your message is relatively gentle.

■Pay attention to your body language. Avoid gestures such as pointing or finger-wagging that can make you look as though you're scolding instead of expressing an opinion.

■Don't argue or bring up emotionally charged subjects if one of you has had too much to drink or has been using drugs. A person who has been drinking or using drugs won't be able to think clearly or may not remember your discussion the next day.

■Avoid fighting when you're exhausted or hungry. Rethink the old saying, "Never go to bed angry." That advice may make sense when you have minor differences that you can settle easily. But if you try to resolve every disagreement before you go to bed -- especially if you're dealing with a big issue -- you may have major arguments because you're too exhausted to think rationally or to explore all your options. Sometimes it's better to postpone a discussion until both of you have had a good night's sleep. It's also helpful to avoid bringing up a difficult subject right after one of you gets home from work or just before a meal, when both of you may be hungry and edgy.

■Screen out distractions such as the television, radio, and telephone. Turn off the TV or radio and ignore the phone, or let an answering machine pick up phone calls. If you have to take a call, keep the conversation short, or ask if you can call back. Interrupting an argument for a nonessential conversation may send the message that you don't take the subject seriously.

■Listen to each other. It's important to avoid interrupting and to focus on what your partner is saying rather than on what you want to say. You can show you are listening by reflecting back what you just heard your partner say. Respond with something like, "What I heard you say is . . . Have I got that right?" Truly listening to each other is the key to good communication.

■Have big arguments out of earshot of children. Children can benefit from watching adults resolve smaller disagreements -- such as which movie to see or where to go on vacation -- in thoughtful ways. But even older children may be frightened by intense disagreements that have no immediate solution, particularly if one parent criticizes the other. This could make your child feel like she has to choose sides or is caught in the middle.

■Be careful what you say in e-mail and voice-mail messages. E-mail and voice mail may come across as harsher than you intend because your partner won't have the nonverbal cues that could soften them, such as a smile or hug. And the resentment may fester if your partner can't respond right away. Avoid sending e-mail or leaving voice-mail messages when you're angry. If you need an outlet for your feelings, consider writing an e-mail message and saving it as a draft instead of sending it. Reread it after you've cooled down and then decide what to do with it.

■Consider having certain discussions outside your home. If you have to resolve a large issue on which you and your partner disagree strongly, consider going for a walk or drive, or to a café that you both like. This can be an especially good idea if your home makes it hard to screen out distractions or if you can't be sure that children won't overhear you there. Having your talk in neutral territory or in public also reduces the possibility of an angry outburst.

Choosing your words carefully

Arguments can get out of hand quickly if you don't think carefully about your words. Following are some ways to keep things under control:

■Focus on the issue you need to resolve, not on your personalities or your history as a couple. If your concern is that your home often looks messy, don't accuse your partner of being "lazy" or "sloppy" or dredge up incidents that occurred long ago. Instead, describe clearly the behavior you hope will change: "I'd like you to hang up the wet towels after you take a shower instead of leaving them on the bathroom floor." Try to say this as calmly as you might say to a friend or co-worker, "I'd appreciate it if you could pass the salt," or "I'd like to have your report by Friday."

■Address one issue at a time. If the problem is a broken stair that needs to be fixed, don't get sidetracked into a discussion of how it broke and whose fault it is or what else needs to be done around the house. You might say, "It's true that other parts of the house could use some work, but the stair is the one that presents an immediate safety hazard, so let's talk about our options for getting it fixed."

■Try not to say things that you know will hurt your partner. It can be tough to avoid saying things that might be painful -- for example, by repeating comments that you know have hurt your partner in the past. But hurtful remarks can make your differences much harder to resolve. If you're worried that you might blurt out something you'll regret, you might say, "I find it hard to talk about this subject calmly, and I'm afraid I might say something I don't mean. Why don't we take a three-minute time-out and continue this discussion after we've both had a chance to cool down?"

■Make "I" statements. Make "I" statements that express your feelings instead of "you" statements that assign blame. Try "I feel hurt when you leave the dinner table without thanking me for cooking" instead of, "You're selfish because you leave the dinner table . . ." or "You never thank me . . ." Or consider starting sentences with "It": "It makes me feel terrible when you talk about my weight in front of your friends." Avoid giving advice unless your partner specifically requests it.

■Acknowledge each other's feelings. Let your partner know that you don't just hear what's being said but that you also understand the emotions behind it. You can do this by making comments such as, "I can see you feel strongly about this," or, "I can tell you're angry that I didn't call and say I'd be late." If you're not sure what your partner is upset about, you might say, "Can you tell me more about why you feel what way?" or "So what you're saying is that . . ."

■Consider using a timer to limit the time you spend on a topic. Long, drawn-out arguments can leave you and your partner so exhausted that you're more likely to say something hurtful. To avoid this, you might use an egg or oven timer to set limits on how much time you spend on a topic. You might say, "Both of us have such busy schedules that we may never have as much time as we'd like to devote to this issue. Why don't we talk about it for 15 minutes without any interruptions and then stop?" An added benefit of this approach is that your partner might talk more willingly about a sensitive topic if you'll devote a limited amount of time to it.

■Brainstorm if you get stuck. If you and your partner can't resolve a problem, brainstorm for a few minutes. Write down as many possible solutions as you can -- without making judgments about any of them -- and then narrow them down to two or three that both of you would be willing to try. After that, decide which strategy the two of you would like to try first and draw up a plan for putting it into action for a set period of time, such as a week or 10 days. Check back with each other at the end of that time to see if the plan is working. If it is not, revise the plan or try an alternate solution.

■Apologize if you were wrong. Saying "I'm sorry" can do wonders to soothe the bruised feelings left after a fight. If you find this hard to do, consider writing a short note or buying a card and tucking it into your partner's briefcase or lunch or leaving it on a pillow. Or send an e-mail message saying you're sorry. Taking the first step to heal the wounds can give your partner an extra incentive to apologize, too.

■After you've had an argument, consider setting aside time to talk about what happened. Choose a time that's convenient for both of you and a place where you can concentrate. You might begin the conversation by saying, "We both got a little upset during our argument about where Mike should go to school, and I wonder how you're feeling now about our discussion."

■If you still can't resolve an issue, ask yourselves if you need to resolve it. Sometimes the best way to end an argument is simply to agree to disagree.

If you keep having arguments

You might want to take a few other steps if you keep having arguments or the same argument over and over again.

■Decide to work on your problems. The best way to reduce conflict in a relationship is to decide to work hard on it. This means identifying problems, no matter how big or small, and recognizing that solving them will require time and effort.

■Declare a moratorium. At times your feelings about an issue may get so overheated that you can't begin to resolve the matter until both of you cool off. You might agree not to raise certain highly charged issues for two weeks or a month, then return to them when you can do so in a calmer state of mind.

■Learn to forgive. When you forgive your partner, you're not necessarily agreeing, but rather you are accepting the situation and moving on. Sometimes a simple, sincere apology and a lot of forgiveness can reduce negative feelings and move a relationship beyond a particularly stressful time.

Finally, keep in mind that not everything is worth arguing about, so it's a good idea to choose your battles. Ask yourself: Is it really worth having an argument over how he dries the dishes or which radio station she listens to? If you can overlook the things that aren't so important, you may find that you don't just have fewer arguments but that your partner is much more willing to listen to you when you do disagree.