Mile in my shoes?

Is that even possible? Probably not. But lets give it a go anyway.

Imagine your mother, everything that's great about her. The way she helps you with everything, you need help she's there. Someone to talk to she's there. All the things that make your mother so great.

Now imagine your life without your mom? Can you? Who would you call when you need someone to talk to? When you need someone to help you with bills? When you need a best friend? When you have another child and need help? Who's is suppose to help you? The answer is your mom right? But if you're anything like me, which most of you aren't. You don't have that luxury. No mom daughter relationship, nothing! Now  you might be asking, what about your dad? Well ya nothing there either. Someone got the short end of the stick.

No one truly understands what its like for me, to see all these people who have these wonderful mother/father daughter relationships. I see what others don't see. How those people take advantage of what they have. As I've said before my mother has issues, mental issues. But never once have I had that bond with her. I was always suppose to be the one in charge, to help her when she needed it. I've seen things that a normal teenager shouldn't see. From what I remember anyway its pretty bad, repressed memories can somewhat be a good thing. But at the same time I'd love to know why I am the way I am.

What if I find something out that I really didn't want to know. My mind obviously blocked it out for a reason, right? So small part of me wants it stay blocked but a bigger part of me wants to know it all. Out of all my memories I have, I have more negative ones than positive ones. I remember going to my grandparents every weekend. I remember a few memories of my brother, that's about it. The others are shadowed in the abuse I've seen, the things I've witnessed and the ways I've went to protect my sisters.

No 4-6yr old should have to shield their siblings that way I had too. No child should have to grow up faster than they should because mommy and daddy weren't responsible. Scooping them up quickly so they didn't witness the fighting, that shouldn't happen. EVER. We aren't talking about yelling match even though that was apart of it too, I'm talking physical fighting too.

No 7-8yr should have to witness their parent getting arrested and getting caught selling weed. No 12-13yr old should have to call the 911 on their mom cause she slit her wrists right in front of you. All while making sure her sisters didn't see it while this was happening.

Its not right, none of it is. If knew then what I know now I would've gotten us out of there so fast. But I didn't and I ask myself so many times why didn't someone step in and take us away. Apart of me knows that answer they didn't want to separate us from each other.

I'm never asking for pity but an 'omg I had no idea' would be nice to hear when I spill my damn heart out. Maybe acknowledgement would be a little nice too, not just an oh ya, really? If you compare some of this to yourself, what do you get? Probably nothing close to this. So yes acknowledgement would be very nice.