First day of school!

I'm a bit late on these, the first day was the 18th here, so I'm almost a week late but oh well. The 16th we had a sneak peek of the classroom, which I snapped some pictures then too of course! The actual first day we had an 15min activity to do with them. So these pictures a mix of both days. Seth says he loves it. He doesnt say much about it really, he comes home pretty quick then starts to tell me about his day as he remembers lol. Silly boys just like his daddy.

Momma needs a break!

Or at least it feels like it at times! I wonder how I ever mange the way that I do. Why can't I just 'break' like others? I have a breaking point but for some reason I just snap right back to normal if need be, maybe somethings wrong with me? That wouldn't surprise me with out fucked up my childhood was. What else can I say? lol.


Xavier is pretty much potty trained, I've done nothing to push him. He's done it all himself basically. We wear undies when were at home, pull ups when we go out, only because he gets pee shy, so sometimes he doesn't go in public places. He'll do the pee pee dance and ends up peeing on himself on accident. Which is ok, I mean he's only been going potty for about 3wks now. He'll even wake up at night by himself go pee and put himself back to bed. I'm amazed! He loves the potty, which is great for me. Feels great knowing that no more diaper changing for me!

Seth starts Kindergarten soon. I'm pretty excited he'll get out of my hair about 4hrs a day. He's just in half day PM classes but that's better than nothing. I wanted to do all day but thats all they had available, there was a waiting list. Naw I'll wait on that part he needs to start school now lol.

Xavier argues with Seth over a backpack, pretty cute! He wants to go to school just like him! So I'm gonna put him in daycare a few times a week so I can do this photography thing I think. Hopefully it works out that way, if not I guess I'll find something else to do with my time, work related I'm sure! Any extra income would help us.


Lets see, I know there is more to blog, but I cant seem to think of it right now.

Achieving Healthy Communication Keys for Partners

As we are all are human and make mistakes, often we have communcation errors or misunderstandings. Here is an article I typed up for you guys to read and hopefully help you.

Avoid putting someone on the defensive

There are times when we can say or so something which may put the listener on the defensive. We need to avoid creating the defensive environment, this environment will not be conducive to satisfying talking and listening. Be careful to practice the following.

1. Avoid starting sentences with the word "you"

When we begin a sentence with the word you we may be telling the other person a problem exists- and the problem is him or her. The recipient will often go on the defensive and/or put up barrier. Let me give you an example. Imagine yourself having a conversation with your spouse. The subject is getting out of bed morning. Let's say your spouse frequently resets the alarm which often makes it necessary for you to have to rush to work. If you were to discuss this with him yo might say "you are acting irresponsible when yo do that, you make me have to hurry to get to work on time." The statement may be true. however the way it was conveyed will probably elicit an angry response which will n turn result in an argument. If not an angry response, it maybe get a cold shoulder or silent treatment. None of these responses are desirable because the issue remains unsolved. The only result is more anger or hostility. The world "you" when used in this way often is perceived as an attack. When someone is attacked one of two things usually happen: we defend ourselves or we give in.

2. Avoid asking questions that begin with the word "why".

The "why" question often has the same meaning and result as the "you" statement.  For example, using the same illustration as above, you may ask your spouse "why can't you just get up and be about your day?" The word why carries with it the implication that what you are doing is wrong. Maybe sleeping late is a problem, but there are better ways to deal with it than by putting the other person on the defensive.

Diffuse a possible bad situation

There are things we can do or say which can diffuse a tense situation.

1.Start sentences with the world "I" when appropriate.

Beginning a sentence with the word "I" will let your partner know that you are taking ownership for what you are about to say. Sentences which begin with "I think," or "I feel" will not have the negative effect which will result from using the word "you". Remember the above example about sleeping late. Let's take a look at another way of saying the same sentence with the word "I" instead of "you". "I do not like it when I have to hurry to get to work on time. I feel frustrated because of that action causes me to have a problem in the mornings." With the "I" sentence the same message is conveyed, only without implying that your partner is the real problem.

2. Ask questions which begin with the words who, what, when, where, or how.

These kinds of questions will let  your partner know that you are interested in what he/she has to say. They will not throw your partner into a corner or trap him/her. Use the same illustration above and see how the "why" question can be done differently. "What do you think it is that causes you to reset the alarm so many times? How can I help you with this issue?" These types of questions will allow your partner the opportunity to talk without the initial frustration or anger of being put on the defensive.

Four more keys to satisfying talking and listening

1. One at a time

When two people are talking at the same time chaos is often the result. For instance, how can  you hear the other person if you are also talking? Make it a habit to listen wen the other person is talking. Try to allow the talker to share his/her thought before you jump in. This will give your partner the message that you are interested in what he/she has to say. Avoid the tendency to jump in and finish someone else's sentence. This practice can be quite annoying.

2. Stay on the subject.

Couples who have difficulty communicating often fall into a trap of "dirty fighting." One classic example is bring up issues from the past which have nothing at all to do with the subject at hand. Be aware of this tendency and guard against it. Staying on the subject will help you to complete the conversation and reach the conclusion you desire.

3. Attend to the talker

One of the most frustrating experiences a talk can have occurs when the listener does not give the talker his/her full and undivided attention. Here are a few suggestions:

A. Stop distracting activities such as reading the paper or watching TV.

B. Give your partner eye contact. This will let your partner know you are interested and focused.

C. Notice the non-verbal communication your partner is giving you. For example, notice the hands, eyes, body movements and postures.

D. If your partner is sitting, you may want to sit also.

4. Learn to summarize what you have heard

Many arguments or disagreements result when a person misunderstands what they heard. Learning to summarize, or feed back, what you have heard will help insure you got the message correctly. A shared meaning occurs when the receiver gets the same message that his/her partner intended him/her to get. Here are a few guidelines for summarizing.

A. Simply repeat back to your partner what he/she said to you.

B. Be complete. Do not add or take away from what your partner said. Do not give your opinion, that is not summarizing.

C. When you finish ask your partner if you were correct.

D. Try this, "what I hear you saying is....is that right?"

You have to satisfying talking and listening in your inter-personal relationships. Take the time to stretch your thinking and look at some new skills, or look at some old skills in a new way. Encourage your partner to help you by trying the same thing. Together you can raise your level of satisfying communication.

Its been awhile..a long while

I don't even know what to begin, or what to even say. I have so much going on in my head right now. A few people that I know have a little brown on their noses, I find it amusing though. As they try to suck up for their wrong doings, like it'll make a difference. Buying things for others like it'll help, well no but I won't tell you that lol. But if they didn't do something wrong in the first place then they wouldn't have a 'little brown on their nose' bwhaha. I'm evil, well sometimes I feel that way. But honestly, I'm just honest which a lot of people mistake for being bitchy =| I'm not sure why though... Maybe cause the truth hurts? Well duh of course it does.

Anyway enough blabbering on about that, I promise I'm a sweet girl! I'm the best damned friend you'll ever meet!! But then again I'm probably biast, but aren't we all? hehe.

I do have a few things to gloat about. Xavier, my youngest, is finally fully interested in potty training! We gave it a go a few times when he was 2 1/2 and a month or so ago, to see where he was...now today out of the blue he's interested and went pee on the potty not once but 5 times!!! He turns 3 in October so I'm very very ecstatic! I was so worried he wasn't going to be interested in it till he turned 3. But here a few months before then he wants to learn and is ready!! That makes me feel great!! Soon I will be diaper free!!

Here's something sad for ya, well not completely, but from a Mommy's perspective. My oldest, Seth, starts school this year! Yep that's right he'll be in Kindergarten, first day of school is August 17...I'm shocked!! I don't know where the time went at all. I'm excited of course for him and the fact that I get 'mommy' time. But its still very surreal to me. He's stoked of course, its all he's been talking about since he turned 4 lol. He will be 6 in November...thats even shocking too!!

Oooooh another thing! Our wedding anniversary is coming up, 5yrs babyyyy!! Rock on! It doesn't feel like 5yrs at all, well it doesn't feel like we've been together for 7 either. Amazing! Time really goes together after awhile. Wednesday July 14th we will be married for 5yrs exactly!! He will be at work till close(fun 11:30 to 10 lol) but thats ok. My lovely sister is baby sitting for us Thursday so we can go out!

I guess this is all for the time being, Michael is waiting for me to cuddle, he has drill tomorrow lol.


ps I need to redesign my blog with new pictures lol. I guess I'll get that done too.

My first entry in 'I Hearts Faces'

I'm excited, I've never entered in it before. But I'm excited to give a go. I know sometimes I get this whole 'camera' thing right, LOL. I'm entering this photo:




in their "close up nature" contest. I'm gonna stay hopeful...I'm not as good as the professionals..so we'll see.

Yay! How Exciting!!

Well first things first, I get to shoot my first wedding!! It will be a small wedding and my SILs wedding! It'll be a good practice overall anyway, totally nervous of course.

Second I'm taking my sister to live with my father...she's finally doing something right. We leave Sunday to drive up to Michigan! I should get there by Monday sometime! then we'll stay a few hours with him and then head to South Haven to see some purdy light houses!! I'm pretty excited!! *Sue, if you wanna meet up at South Haven message me, I'll be there Tuesday all day* We'll be leaving Wednesday at check in and drive the 11hrs home. Then Friday I have an in hospital session with a brand new baby!! Pretty excited, I need to build my portfolio anyway!

Sometimes I hate being my own worst critic, I'm trying to get my portfolio done, easier said than done that's for sure. Michael hates pictures, the boys don't sit still long enough for them, my sister well she's always up to model lol. But I feel like I'm always buggin' so eh IDK anymore.

Good news, I pre-registered to take the practice GED test! Pretty damn nervous. I'm just worried about the math part, I remember most of it when I start doing it..but in a test of course I totally go blank. Oh well, if i pass this I can take the actual GED then go to college to become a chef!! so wish me luck!!


I guess this is all for right now! I feel like I have moe things to say but I just cant think of it right now.

when it rains is pours....

My last blog was a major rant sorry about that folks! It just gets tiring over the years. I've dealt with my mothers crap since I was born. She's been a skitzo since '82 before I was even born...as time went on drug abuse made things worse. She literally thinks "cops" are chasing her. We've moved from house to house because of her. Lots of bad memories growing up. From my dad abusing her, from her being in prison..from me being 'grown up' before i was even suppose too...seriously! by 3ish I knew how to put a feeding tube into my brothers stomach to help him...he past shortly after I was 4. From my sisters awaking in the middle of the night screaming, I took care of them 5-6..it just goes on from there.

I am who I am today because of my past...stronger than you because of it lol.


Anyway as for recently..

End of Feb my yearly exam came back abnormal. I was told I needed a biopsy because a couple tests came back positive. Alright well i was already seeing an OB because of my implanon. Well the 23rd came around, time for my lovely colposcopy, not fun I'll tell you that. Major cramps afterwards ow!

I got my results back today, he said everything came back negative which is a good thing....but i'll need to do 2 more paps every 6 months to make sure. Since my levels were low to begin with they could still be precancerous but usually, as he says, they work themselves out. BUT if any of my paps come back abnormal again I have to do another colposcopy. So in a way one less thing to worry about!

Now as for others..fucking TRS(tricare reserve select) lost our fliping paper work....of freaking course! End of december we re-enrolled, early Jan we got a paper stating we were insured...now freaking March rolls around they are saying we havent had coverage since Jan 1..which is BULLSHIT! So now we're waiting 4-6 freaking weeks for tricare to call us back. Ooh how I love military ran insurance.


As for something that went right I had my first maternity session!! It was great! I cant wait for more session!!! I'm even more stoked I might get to do my first labor session!!! :)


Well here's a slight peak into the life of me hehe.

Compete and utter bullshit!!

Yep thats right! Utter fucking bullshit!

You are 45yrs old and I'm taking care of you're children! Housing them, like I'm a fucking hotel! All because you're dumb ass has no idea how to spend money, no idea how to take care of anyone but your fucking self!! If you were so self centered, bi-polar, psychotic, skitzo just ugh!! You'd be flipping responsible! If you went to the psychiatrist and got fucking medicine you'd see that you're ass is crazy! No cops are chasing you, they haven't been chasing you in the past fucking 15yrs!!!! We would've still had the house in grand view, we would've had everything we us to have! I wouldn't have had a fucked up childhood, I would've have had to grow up before I fucking needed too! I am stronger than you because its what I am, its what I'm here to do....someone has to pick up the fucking slack!

I'm 23 fucking years old, I'm on my own, I moved out to stay away from your ass..not to take care of you anymore..I moved out so I didn't have to deal with your bullshit. But no, who has to come bail your ass out of jail, who has to take you in when you have no fucking place to stay.................ME. Who is tired of you fucking stealing from me, taking advantage of the shit you do to me. You've stole my debit card, you stole my pin number....you stole it 3 fucking times! Blamed my HUSBAND on the last one...like he would steal from me..when we use the same fucking money. You stole fucking change from your daughters apartment, you stole our Christmas gift from my grandma and grandpa a $75 gift card...all because your ass was on drugs AGAIN!!

Its fucking ridicules that you would do that to your daughter.....to all 3 of your daughters!!

I want nothing more to do with you! I've told you that. You only call me when you want something, only call me when you're in trouble..so again I'm sure the police can come banging on my fucking door looking for you ass!!!



Ugh!! Now you all know the shit I've put up with growing up..and this isnt even the half of it! I've been a grown up since before I was suppose to be!!



----end vent!

"Dody call me Sassy Cat"

Per Seths request, he wants to be called "Sassy Cat," cute eh? The things Seth says is cute, but he talks non stop though..he's hardly every quiet. Xavier said blue and red today and was right on his sippy cup colors. I've been teaching his colors to him I didnt think he cared but apparently he was listening just didnt repeat it, so cute! He's like that with everything though, body parts was a pain with him. I'd tell him what it was he wouldnt repeat it but he's listening so I guess thats all that matters. He's so smart! He says all kinds of new words every day. Friday he learned leash. Xavier doesn't like it when I tell people about what he can do..he gives me the evil eye, super cute!!

Anyway, in the past month was Valentines day, our 7yr anniversary! He got us a room at Chateau Avalon, we stayed in the Monte Crisco Suite. It was beautiful! 3 storys, bottom was like a living room, with the bathroom! It was HUGE! Walk in showers everything!! The second level was the bedroom. The third and final story was the jacuzzi tub, I loved it!! He was so sweet!! I've wanted to stay in it since he came home from deployment almost a year ago.....I love that man!


As for recently what have I been up too? Well, I got my first photo shoot coming up, maternity! I'm really nervous. But I know I'll do just fine! I also got offers to do cakes and etc for weddings and what not. Everything is coming together quite nicely. I need more practice to do weddings though, thats for sure! I'm really excited to take different pictures other than my sister lol.


In other words here are a few shoots from recently!





Thanks for reading!!

Snowy day and random shots with my sister....

The other day it snowed it was very pretty! So my sister and I went up to a cemetery to take "eery" pictures lol.
Here are a few of my favs....

Origami Origami Origami

Way harder than I realized. I got it done, yes but freaking hard as hell. My hands started to hurt, too much folding, creasing, folding and more creasing. Today I finally went out and did it the right way though, reminder to others..DO NOT ATTEMPT ORIGAMI WITH CONSTRUCTION PAPER!! lmao. Not bright on my end, but eh it was all I had for messing with it. Todays attempts were much easier. I made a tulip and a heart. I attempted a Lily but it confused me so I forfeited.

I've been working on my "heart" for this weeks "homework" with our counselor. Its super hard, I'm giving Michael my origami heart because of the effort it goes into making them just like when you're in love with someone. We're suppose to carry it in our pocket for a week. To care for each others heart..super sweet.

In a few weeks, Micahel and I will be together for 7 freaking years!! Unbelievable!! It feels like so much longer than that. The things we've been through over the past 7yrs. I would've never thought I'd ever be where I am today without him. I love him with all my heart!! Yes, I'm going to get a bit sappy here so deal with me =). The obstacles we've overcome to be where we are today, as close as we are today. The birth of our two boys and watching them grow. Even though he's missed a lot, I still wouldn't change it for the world! We are who we are today because of the things we've overcome!

He's the person I see myself with when I get wrinkles sitting on the porch in rocking chairs yellin at our grandchildren. While we are still who we are today, comical. There's not one day where he doesnt make me laugh. Even when I'm irate with him, he has his way to make me laugh my ass off. I'm excited where we'll end up a few years from now.


I hate baby fever!! I'd love to be preggo sometime this year. I want a baby girl!! I want to buy cute little bows and dresses. Michael agreed, but we'd have to get rid of debt first. Which is smart but doesn't take away from my baby fever =(. I know with my luck I'll have 4 boys..which really makes me sad but at least I get another baby and that's less clothes I need to buy. I just really want a mini me, Michael has 2..I want one. Its my turn!! lmao. I don't sometimes I wonder why I want another, usually when both the boys are bad and don't listen....but I know in my heart I'm soo not done with kids. I love being pregnant, I enjoy it! Every little bit of it, there are a few thing I wish I could change but overall I'm a super happy pregnant person. I wish everyone could have as easy pregnancy's as me, I do. The only downfall is I go overdue, exactly a week overdue. Which is OK with me since I don't get unhappy till the last 2 wks of it anyway. So whats another week? lol. I suppose I'm weird though.

I'm off to bed I guess. This blog was about nothing lol.

We all wonder.....

Today was the same as everyday...I wish it was different. I wish butt got home a decent time everyday, I wish he didnt have to work till 10 every freaking night and miss all the fun things that happened in a day. Blah one can wish, I'm just greaful he can hold a job and I can watch our hoodlum kids.

Later I'll be making banana nut bread and blackberry muffins. yummy! I'm always making something it feels like. I still need to make my cherry cheesecake, but I"m a slacker what can I say.

Anyway, pictures from today!!!

Bloggin' Away....

It's been awhile for a new post......

Lets see I've taken quite a few pictures. Been fairly busy with life. Seems to catch up on us all, doesnt it? When it rains it pours. In good news I got a manicure and pedicure the other day. I can't wait till Valentines day, butthead has a surprise for me...and I"m excited!!


On others notes the pictrues from the other day. I'll post something more interesting later....

My sister is a great model :)





Now one of the little one..

The love between two dogs..

is amazing!! You can so tell when two dogs adore each other. We own two dogs a german shepard; lulu and a miniature pinscher; Harley.
Lulu is 3yrs old and Harley is almost 6 months old. Its soo cute. Lulu is a great "mommy."

Keys for a Healthy and Satisfying Marriage

This article is suppose to read as a couple. Go over it together, talk about it etc.


Now onto the article.....






Marriage is a bond between a man and a woman. The bond carries with it deep meaning and significance. Couples do not receive written instructions at the altar which guarantee success. This article will discuss a few keys to keeping marriage healthy and satisfying.

Most people want to stay married. One thing which will help is to learn effective skills. Another is to think about a few key areas which need periodic attention. Couples can have a marriage which just happens, or they can make their marriage happen. Making marriage happen will likely result in greater happiness. Here are some keys to making marriage happen.


Developing Intimacy
Physical intimacy is easier to achieve than emotional intimacy. Sex by itself will not bring happiness. There must be an emotional connection or closeness. The word intimacy refers to closeness. A common mistake is believing intimacy is all about sex.

Emotional intimacy involves an open atmosphere for sharing thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, and goals. Each person takes the risk to share openly and honestly. When good emotional intimacy is achieved couples work together to achieve mutual understanding and desires while at the same time allowing for independence of the individual person.

In order to keep the marriage moving in the right direction couples need: self-esteem, a willingness to work together in a spirit of cooperation, a desire to negotiate, a willingness to set asides pre-conceived ideas of how things should be, a willingness to loosen demands, and a commitment to working together as a team. The team approach is important because if one team member loses, the whole team loses.


Here are some keys for maintaining a good intimacy.

1. Communicate regularly with your mate sharing about your day and life in general.
2. Schedule a weekly meeting to discuss time management and items of concern.
3. Give your spouse encouragement regularly.
4. Share meals at the dinner table with the TV off.
5. Purchase and play The Ungame. (www.Talicor.com)
6. Date each other regularly.
7. When children come along make sure you still give good time to your marriage.
8. Develop a habit of praying together on a regular basis.
9. Develop your listening skills in order to validate and edify your spouse.




Effective Communication

Communication is the cornerstone of a marriage. Effective talking and listening serves a marriage like oil serves a motor, reducing friction and prolonging life. The better each spouse is at communication, the better they will be understood. Scripture gives us some guidelines for house we should talk and listen.

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and pleasing to the bones.

Proverbs 16:24, NIV

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helping for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29. NIV

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

James 1:19, NIV

Here are some tips to make your communication more pleasing.

1. Take Responsibility for what YOU say
Start sentences with the work I when it is appropriate to do so. Avoid starting the sentences with the word YOU. The YOU statements will most likely elicit a defensive response. Remember you have lots of control over what you say and how you say it, but you cannot control what your mate says. You can lessen the possibility of negative response by taking a great care in what you say and how you say it.

2. ONE at a TIME
When two people are talking at the same time chaos in often the result. Make it a point to listen when the other person is talking. Avoid finishing your spouse's sentences. Think of it as playing tennis, the ball goes back and forth over the net. Take turns talking and listening.

3. ATTITUDE is HUGE
Enter into a conversation with an open mind. Step out of the box to try to see and understand your mate's perspective. Let a calm spirit prevail. Two people can accomplish much if they come to the table with a spirit of cooperation.

4. UNDERSTAND the DIFFERENCES in HOW MEN and WOMEN COMMUNICATE
Women are wired to talk and express themselves more fully, including their emotions. Men are wires to be more direct, to the point, and solve problems. Women typically do not want their husbands to solve their issues, but if they do want that they will asking for it. Men are bottom-line thinkers, women often want to take the slower route and explore many aspects of the topic.

5. MAKE TIME FOR TALKING on a REGULAR BASIS.
Daily talk time is essential for a healthy marriage to stay healthy. Look at your schedules and decides how that can best be accomplished. Perhaps it can be right after the evening meal, maybe over lunch together, or after the kids are down for the night. Find what works for you and your spouse and make it a priority to establish a routine.

6. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.
Make an effort to slow-down the verbal exchanges you have with your mate. Slow equals better quality listening and expressing of oneself. What's your hurry?




Effective Conflict Resolution

Many couples have huge struggles when it comes to conflict resolution or decision making. For a variety of reasons some couples do better at this than others. When a conflict occurs couples have choices as to how to respond, such as fight, avoid, persuade, or resolve the issue. Fighting to establish who is right and who is wrong is never productive. When couples avoid the issues it usually comes back at a later time. Persuasion can boil down to who has the stronger will. Resolution is the most reasonable option. Conflicts have the potential for damaging the relationship, therefore it is important they be resolved.

One of the best solutions to a conflict is collaboration. When collaborating, each spouse seeks a solution to an issues that will be of benefit or value to both partners. In order to collaborate successfully both partners must invest in a process of understanding as much as they can about the issue in question.

Successful conflict resolution involves using the best communication skills a couple has. A spirit of cooperation,. respect, and love are vital. Here are a few steps for a successful collaboration.

1. DEFINE the ISSUE
Make sure both partners know exactly what the topic of discussion is. It is important to stay on the subject and not bring in unrelated information.

2. ESTABLISH a GOOD TIME to HAVE the DISCUSSION
Time is so important. Find a time both partners agree to. Avoid such times as right after work, times when children are in extra need of your attention, and bedtime. A common mistake occurs when couples pick the wrong time. Bad timing is likened to trying to place a square into a round hole.

3. EXPRESS YOURSELF COMPLETELY
When the conversation begins both partners need to have the opportunity to share their thoughts, feelings, and desires. Make sure the dialogue is back and forth, like in tennis. Lecturing is not an option.

4. DISCUSS YOUR OPTIONS
Come up with a list of actions each of you are willing to consider taking. This brainstorming process can be very freeing as couples discover they do have possibilities.

5. BUILD a PLAN and WORK IT
Looking at the options, come up with a step or steps both partners can take. Once the plan is in plae it must then be acted upon. Failure to follow through will result in a new issue-that of integrity.


Learn an Effective System for Communication and Conflict Resolution

Some couples have difficulty with communication and/or conflict resolution because they have never been taught how to do either one well. Sometimes when trying to communicate or resolve an issue, it would appear as if a husband were on a football field and the wife were on a baseball diamond, and both were attempting to play basketball.

Placing both husband and wife on the same playing field would help with the communication and conflict resolution process by:

* giving both partners the same set of rules to use.
* giving both partners similar skills to use
* giving both partners the same parameters to follow

There are two excellent courses couples can take to help improves how they talk, listen, and resolve differences.


Talking and Listening Together

This sex-session course is the best course available to help with communication and conflict resolution. The course, produced by Interpersonal Communication out of Evergreen(Denver), CO offers four main areas of training.

1. How to deliver a message completely, effectively, and without placing the listening in a defensive position.
2. How to be an effective listener, which in turn leads to edifying and validating the talk, as well as better understanding of all involved.
3. How to effectively resolve conflict or make decisions using a step-by-step process.
4. Recognizing communication styles and using those styles which are most effective.

This is the most complete course available to help couples with communication.


The Speaker Listener Technique

This three session course helps couples with most of the same areas covered by the course outlines above. The material is written and produced as part of a program called the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program(PREP). PREP is a product of The University of Denver and Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, and Susan Blumberg. The S/L technique is a brief and concise presentation of the skills needed to effectively communicate.

The author of this work is certified instructor in both of the above courses. Both courses offer excellent training for improving relationship satisfaction.



Financial Management

Money is the source of great joy and happiness. Money can also be the source of great sorrow and anger if not handled responsibly. Many people see marriage counselors due to problems in their marriage which were brought about by some concern about money. Couples can effectively manage their finances, and in turn experience a happier marriage. Here are a few suggestions.


Develop a Plan
The old saying is true: if you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there. Partners enter a marriage with their own ways of managing money. Some people bring successful track records, other bring failed experiences. The key is to get both partners together on how they handle the money. Whether you call it a budget, financial plan, or spending and savings plan, developing a plan is essential for successfully navigating finances in your marriage. My junior high industrial arts teach uses to tell his students "plan your work and work your plan." Having a plan is useless unless you implement it. Both partners need to be willing to abide by the plan. Periodic checkups will insure the success of the plan. Help is available to couples who want to set up a plan. Crown Financial Ministries has a nationwide network of volunteers who help couples with financial management plans. Contact them at 1-800-722-1976.


Talk About Money
My experience working with couples has taught me that many couples have financial problems because they don't talk about money. Problems can grow due to neglect. Perhaps people do not talk about money due to the potential volatility of the subject, or because it gets too personal, or maybe due to fear of what may be said. Problems cannot get resolved if they are not discussed. Make it a point to have periodic checkups regarding your finances. Make sure the left arm knows what the right arm is thinking and doing.


Live Within Your Means
Couples frequently tell me they have too much month left after the money has run out. Credit card spending has crippled a lot of couples. Couples should not grow to depend upon relatives or others to supplement their income or bail them out in a financial crunch. Making the choice to live within the limits of their income is one of the best things a couple can do to help insure their financial stability. A financial plan is essential.


Save for a Rainy Day
Couples should make it a point to save a portion of their income for unexpected situations. Retirement planning is also important. Both can be addresses in a financial plan.


Give Some Away
Great joy and blessing can be achieved by giving money away. Generosity has it's dividends. Christians couples also have a command to give a portion back to God. God blesses those give freely.


Maintaining Trust
Trust is the foundation of a relationship. A solid foundation of trust provides a sense of security and safety. This security and safety leads to years of happiness. Broken trust will shatter a relationship, sometimes beyond repair. When repair is possible it is usually a long and difficult journey.

Betrayal is a point that can fatally wound a marriage. Solid trust will help couples through both good and bad times. Here are some thoughts on how to establish and maintain healthy trust.


T is for Talk
Conversation is the life blood of a marriage. Relationships break down when there is no conversation. When one spouse has the need to talk and the other will not talk, the spouse will find someone else to talk to. This can be a recipe for disaster. Daily talk time is essential for couples. Open and honest sharing will help keep a relationship solid.

Ris for Romance
A dash of romance on a regular basis helps keep both partners happy, content, and in love. Couple should remember what they did during the dating and falling-in-love process. Continuing these activities will keep the flame lit. The book 1001 Ways to be Romantic is a great resource. Romance can be achieved by dating, special events, and in day-to-day life. Use your imagination.

U is for Uphold
Upholding involves offering protection and encouragement. A wife wants her husband to defend her and keep her safe from physical and emotional harm. A husband wants his wife to honor and respect him. A marriage relationship should be a safe sanctuary that provides love, protection, and esteem. Public criticism, sarcasm, and humiliation are out of bounds.

S is for Schedule
Life places upon us countless demands and opportunities daily. Boundaries become important as we pick and choose activities to be a part of those to decline. As a general rule people tend to give the most time and attention to the most important things in their lives. Trust demands time and attention. Keep a family calendar and discuss it weekly. An open agenda will earn more trust and a closed agenda-which may contain secrets.

T is for Truth
Truth is everything when discussing trust. Full and honest disclosure is essential when maintaining or rebuilding credibility. Lying should not be an option. Resolve to be honest in all communication. Follow through is another important component. A spouse must back up words, promises, or commitments, with action.


The Sexual Relationship

The sexual relationship in marriage is a tremendous gift from God. God designed sex for procreation and for enjoyment. The sexual relationship represents the way a husband and a wife can become one. A good, solid sexual relationship will help to keep marriage fulfilling and satisfying. Problems can occur in the sexual relationship. Talking about sexuality in the marriage is very important, yet often overlooked as a topic of conversation. If a problem occurs the couple should come together and discuss it and seek a satisfying solution.

There are a few things to keep in mind in order to experience a satisfying sex life.

Sex Should be Mutually Satisfying
Both husband and wife can receive benefit and pleasure from sex. Sex is the most intimate activity two people engage in. There may be times one partner may be more interested or desirous, but sex should never be used as a way of achieving gratification at the cost of the partner. Mutual satisfaction occurs when partners are focused on meeting the needs of their mate. As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango."


It All Starts in the Kitchen
Two people will both be more apt to tango if a good table has been set. Often the husband sets the tone for the sexual relationship. He does this by how he treats his wife. Smart husbands will be kind and honoring to their mates. I have always told husbands they will have great sex if they treat their wives like a queen. This could be accomplished by doing the dishes, giving a compliment, taking care of the kids while she takes a bubble bath, etc. A husband should not expect his wife to have sex just because he did something nice for her. The husband is better off doing something nice and not expecting anything in return.

Men are Microwaves, Women are Crock Pots
When it comes to sex, men and women are very different and have different needs. A man can become turned-on quickly, a woman may need more time. A man can move straight to intercourse, a woman may want more foreplay. If sex is to be mutually satisfying, both partners will learn about the wants and needs of each other. For most men, sex is very physical. Men also tend to e visual. On the other hand, most women are more emotional. Imagine taking a trip. Most men jump on the interstate and go, making few and only necessary stops. However women may want to take the slow, scenic route and make some stops along the way. By learning about each other couples can have a more satisfying sexual relationship.

Be Sensitive To Past Traumas
Partners should be sensitive to any traumatic sexual experiences their mate has encountered, such as rape or sexual abuse. These traumas can create emotional or physical wounds. If this has occurred a person may need to consult with a professinal counselor in order to get a better understanding and achieve healing.

Honor
The word honor means to give esteem or respect. A spouse can pay a high compliment in how he or she treats a spouse. A person can be honored by word or deed. Society honors people in various ways, such as throwing a party, inducting someone into a club or hall of honor, writing an article for publication, etc. In marriage we tend to be more likely to honor a spouse with word or deed. In whatever way, the act of honoring should be sincere and without an expectation of something in return.

Here are a few suggestions regarding how to honor a spouse.

Offer Kind Words
Daily life will produce good times and bad. Partners are faced with times of joy and stress. Regardless of the situation we may be in, kind words to a spouse will take us much farther than harshness. Offering praise for a job well done can be soothing to the soul of the recipient. Encouraging a partner through a hard or difficult situation can be comfortaing. Complimenting someone's appearance or work can contribute positively to a person self-esteem. Kind words will nurture and edify.


Avoid Harshness
Dr. John gottman, one of the worlds foremost marriage researchers, has identified four things that will kill a relationship. Number one on his list is contempt. Contempt can be ywlling, name calling, swearing, put downs, etc. A spouse can be devastated by verbal assault or abuse. Partners should make it a point not to swear at each other, name call, or humiliarte. These things can be even worse when done in the presense of others. I have witnessed people publicly humiliate their partners. When this occurs the recipiend is typically delfated, much like a ballon loses air when leaking. I have heard it said it takes several positive comments to overcome one negative comment.

Be Kind in Deed
Actions often speak louder than words. There are many ways a person can honor his or her spouse by deed. Here are a few examples.

*Husbands- open doors for your wife.
*Husbands- when walking in public with your spouse walk besides her, not ahead of her.
*Hold hands.
*Give hugs liberally
*Do one of yours mate's choirs
*Give cards or gifts for no apparent reason.
*Make a big deal out of birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions.
*Speak kindly and complimentary of your spouse in public.


Developing Common Interests
Life has a way of moving right along. Careers get launched, children come along, and life just happens. In the blink of an eye the kids are out the door and the nest looks and feels empty. When the kids are gone, what is left? This is just one of the many reasons couples to develop some common interests. Cooples need activities they can share together. Sharing common interests can add strength and excitement to a marriage. There are a few considerations for couples to take into account as they explore the issue of developing common interests.

Be Open Minded
I was raised on meat and potatoes. My family never ate Mexican or Italian foods. When I got old enough to drive I discovered things like tacos and pizza. Sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zones and try new things. I have always been interested in cars and racing. A few years back I bought tickets to a Nascar races. My wife, who has never shared this interst, wen with me to a race. She was hooked, immediately. She is now more addicted to racing than I am. We now share the activity together. Couples will benefit by stepping out of their comfort zones and exploring various activities. One never knows how these things may turn out.

Use the Imagination
Life can be pretty boring if we live the same way day-in and day-out. adding our imagination can help us to see life through a different lens. Couples can come up with a list of possible activities and visualize themselves taking part. Sometimes trial and error is a great teacher. Dream a dream, follow a vision. All good ideas have to start somewhere, and often they begin in the mind of a husband or wife. Couples can use their creativity to think, explore, and take advantage of opportunities.

Some couples do everything together, other have no clue where to begin. Here are a few ideas to jump start your thinking.
* visit antique shops
* get a pet
* attend a class together
* try camping or boating
* get season tickets to something
* do a craft together
* garden together
* collect something together
* visit a bed and breakfast periodically
* ride bikes together
* go hiking together
* take dance lessons together

Talking to friends is a good way to find out what interests other couples. Bookstores can be great places to come up with ideas. Couples who have children can also enjoy things together as a family.

Achieving Balance
Spouses have many things to juggle in a typical day. Life can be balancing act. One things is for sure, there are only 24hrs in any given day. One mor ething is for sure, everyone has limitys and needs to learn to live within them. Here are some thoughts to help couples learn to live within their limits.

Be Proactive With the Calendar
I recommend couples set aside a time weekly to have a brief meeting to look at the upcoming week. For example, on Sunday afternoon couples can look at the week ahead and make sure they are both on the same page. Children can have a calendar also and be involved. Partners can communicate their schedules to one another, and they can set asie or protect time for themselves. Couple can take control of their calendar rather than being controlled by them.

Learn to Say No
Boundaries, or limitys, are important parts of life. Everyone needs to be able to say no in order to take control of his or her own life. Saying no is easier for some harder for others. If a person is unable to say "no" the end result is often a sense of not having control of one's life. Having good limits or boundaries gives a person the opportunity to take control. Partners need to achieve this balance in order to achieve a sense of well-being, and eliminate the chaos of an out-of-control life. One person's boundaries do affect another person's life. Couples can work together to maintain limits which are for the good of the marriage.

Learn to Please Yourself
There are times when various people tug for our time and attention. In a marriage is is important for couples to please themselves before trying to please others. Well-meaning parents can sometimes create interferences for couples by demanding their time and attention. The holiday are a good example of how extended family members sometimes create problems for couples by placing demands upon them. Couples must make their own marriage and family the top priority.

Prioritize
Couples will find themselves facing situations in which they must choose between events. THey must choose how to spend their time, either individually or together. Some of the choices are difficult. Learning to place priorities in life will help partners make good choices. The choices we make are evidence of where our hearts are. There are times couples and each individual spouse must answer the difficult question: "what is most important to me in this situation?"


Marriage Maintenance
I often hear couples tell me the flame has gone out, the spark is gone. Upon hearing that question I tell couples about what I call the hunter-gatherer syndrome. It goes something like this: A man wanders in life and decides he wants a mate. He proceeds to find the person he wants, then attempts to win her. He wins her by going on dates, taking her plces, buying her gifts, sending her cards, having long phone conversations, going on walks, etc. Finally he wins her and they marry. Sometime after the wedding the man sits back in his easy chair and says: "I have what I want, now I can sit back and relax." He stops dating her, no longer buys her things, communicates less, no longer goes for walks with her, etc. Eventually the wife says: "What's wrong? Why did you stop doing all of those things we did while dating?"

There is no good reason for a partner or couples to discountinue the activites which got them to marriage. If anything, those activites are even more important after the wedding.

Anything worth having is worth maintaining, especially marriage. Couples should be proactive to maintain the relationship they have achieved. Not only maintain it, but grow it. Here are a few ideas for maintenance.

Date on a Regular Basis
Dating is not just for teens or singles. Marriage couples can keep the flame glowing by continuing to have romantic dates. Dating an cost money, but it does not have to. I again refer to the book 1001 ways to be Romantic as a guide for all kinds of dates. Dates can be fun, exciting, adventuresome, quiet, insightful, romantic, the list goes on. Couples sometimes say they are too busy with kids and work to date, or they cannot afford it. I say couples cannot afford NOT to date regularly.


Get-Aways
Couples need times away from the stress and hurriedness of life. Getting away from home for an overnighter is refreshing and relaxing. Couples can do this whenever they can, ideally a couple of times a year. Couples can go to bed and breakfast, visit a nerby town, go to a retreat center, etc. The time away from home is an investment in marriage.

The Annual Planning Retreat
I recomment coples have an annual planning retreat to discuss goals, dreams, and evaluate the entire marriage. This is best done on a weekend away from home, however couples can do it at home by arranging for childcare and alone time. The annual retreat, held at about the same time every year, helps keep the marriage focused and on track. Couples can use their imagination as they plan an agenda, planning oth workd and play into the time.


A Few Final Thoughts
Marriage is a treasure, a gift given from God. Marriage and family values are under assault. We all have responsibility to speak out and work to preserve marriage and family values. Every marriage can be impacted in a positive way if the material mentioned in this article is apllied with practical steps to preserve individual marriages. One marriaged save and strengthened is of great value- not only to the family involved, but to our society as well.