As we are all are human and make mistakes, often we have communcation errors or misunderstandings. Here is an article I typed up for you guys to read and hopefully help you.
Avoid putting someone on the defensive
There are times when we can say or so something which may put the listener on the defensive. We need to avoid creating the defensive environment, this environment will not be conducive to satisfying talking and listening. Be careful to practice the following.
1. Avoid starting sentences with the word "you"
When we begin a sentence with the word you we may be telling the other person a problem exists- and the problem is him or her. The recipient will often go on the defensive and/or put up barrier. Let me give you an example. Imagine yourself having a conversation with your spouse. The subject is getting out of bed morning. Let's say your spouse frequently resets the alarm which often makes it necessary for you to have to rush to work. If you were to discuss this with him yo might say "you are acting irresponsible when yo do that, you make me have to hurry to get to work on time." The statement may be true. however the way it was conveyed will probably elicit an angry response which will n turn result in an argument. If not an angry response, it maybe get a cold shoulder or silent treatment. None of these responses are desirable because the issue remains unsolved. The only result is more anger or hostility. The world "you" when used in this way often is perceived as an attack. When someone is attacked one of two things usually happen: we defend ourselves or we give in.
2. Avoid asking questions that begin with the word "why".
The "why" question often has the same meaning and result as the "you" statement. For example, using the same illustration as above, you may ask your spouse "why can't you just get up and be about your day?" The word why carries with it the implication that what you are doing is wrong. Maybe sleeping late is a problem, but there are better ways to deal with it than by putting the other person on the defensive.
Diffuse a possible bad situation
There are things we can do or say which can diffuse a tense situation.
1.Start sentences with the world "I" when appropriate.
Beginning a sentence with the word "I" will let your partner know that you are taking ownership for what you are about to say. Sentences which begin with "I think," or "I feel" will not have the negative effect which will result from using the word "you". Remember the above example about sleeping late. Let's take a look at another way of saying the same sentence with the word "I" instead of "you". "I do not like it when I have to hurry to get to work on time. I feel frustrated because of that action causes me to have a problem in the mornings." With the "I" sentence the same message is conveyed, only without implying that your partner is the real problem.
2. Ask questions which begin with the words who, what, when, where, or how.
These kinds of questions will let your partner know that you are interested in what he/she has to say. They will not throw your partner into a corner or trap him/her. Use the same illustration above and see how the "why" question can be done differently. "What do you think it is that causes you to reset the alarm so many times? How can I help you with this issue?" These types of questions will allow your partner the opportunity to talk without the initial frustration or anger of being put on the defensive.
Four more keys to satisfying talking and listening
1. One at a time
When two people are talking at the same time chaos is often the result. For instance, how can you hear the other person if you are also talking? Make it a habit to listen wen the other person is talking. Try to allow the talker to share his/her thought before you jump in. This will give your partner the message that you are interested in what he/she has to say. Avoid the tendency to jump in and finish someone else's sentence. This practice can be quite annoying.
2. Stay on the subject.
Couples who have difficulty communicating often fall into a trap of "dirty fighting." One classic example is bring up issues from the past which have nothing at all to do with the subject at hand. Be aware of this tendency and guard against it. Staying on the subject will help you to complete the conversation and reach the conclusion you desire.
3. Attend to the talker
One of the most frustrating experiences a talk can have occurs when the listener does not give the talker his/her full and undivided attention. Here are a few suggestions:
A. Stop distracting activities such as reading the paper or watching TV.
B. Give your partner eye contact. This will let your partner know you are interested and focused.
C. Notice the non-verbal communication your partner is giving you. For example, notice the hands, eyes, body movements and postures.
D. If your partner is sitting, you may want to sit also.
4. Learn to summarize what you have heard
Many arguments or disagreements result when a person misunderstands what they heard. Learning to summarize, or feed back, what you have heard will help insure you got the message correctly. A shared meaning occurs when the receiver gets the same message that his/her partner intended him/her to get. Here are a few guidelines for summarizing.
A. Simply repeat back to your partner what he/she said to you.
B. Be complete. Do not add or take away from what your partner said. Do not give your opinion, that is not summarizing.
C. When you finish ask your partner if you were correct.
D. Try this, "what I hear you saying is....is that right?"
You have to satisfying talking and listening in your inter-personal relationships. Take the time to stretch your thinking and look at some new skills, or look at some old skills in a new way. Encourage your partner to help you by trying the same thing. Together you can raise your level of satisfying communication.
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